for the purpose of saving memories...

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Chimera


Now I sit and contemplate 

The past as it were.
Raw emotions and feelings
Bubble up unbidden.
Out of the recess of my mind
Dark images take shape.
Fingers curl ‘round my neck,
Sharp little teeth.
Disjointed, ripped in two
I watch the scene unfold.
Blood drips from a torn lip
Cascading down my face.
One small word, uttered quietly
Unleashes horrors untold.
His pathetic rage only stoked 
By my little thought
-Home
In the almost apartment that we shared
He changed shape;
A hoped for Chimera 
But in the end a monster, a mistake.

Thrown against the wall once more
I took refuge in memories;
Laughing, crying, sighing
In a far off place.
From these images, these memories
A sort of strength arose. 
Soft hands, a remembered smell
People I once knew.


From it I built a wall of protection
To carry through the night.
This strength was not my own
But borrowed from a greater force
-Family
On that night he beat me for the last time
These choices I have made they are all mine,
But what saved me from this past
-Home
-Family

Juxtaposition (complete story)


I
Intermitting red flashing lights demanded my attention. It was the answering machine signaling a message. Rather than going to retrieve it, I walked the opposite direction into my apartment bathroom intent on taking a shower.  
“I’ll get it later,” I declared to no one in particular--I was alone and enjoying the stillness of singularity.
 As I was drying my hair from the shower, just beginning to feel refreshed, the telephone rang again. Completely unwilling to let anything disrupt my tranquility, I let the phone go to message. 
“Sydney,” it cried out. “Pick up the phone. You have to come to the hospital.” There was a pause and then, “It’s your sister Annalise.
The end of the message was blurred by barely restrained sobs. My mother had just called to inform me of my sister’s return to the hospital. I silently cursed Annalise for ruining my afternoon. It was probably more hospital treatment, in which case there was nothing I could do to help the situation. As much as I loved my sister, I also hated her. I hated her for always being more important than anything I could ever do or be.  
I walked to the kitchen, taking a quick survey of my surroundings-pristine white walls, accents in light blues and greens. These were all colors which reflected a lighthearted attitude I could never quite achieve. My new apartment still had unopened boxes stacked in the corners. I promised myself I would get to them later, maybe after a trip to the hospital. I had moved to this particular location because of its distance from Rush Memorial. I anticipated my parents staying the night on those occasions when Annalise was so sick they would have to remain in the city. Now, I regretted the proximity.
I hadn’t always felt so dissociated with my parents and Annalise. When we were younger, I had defended her with a vigor only an older sister could. I taught her how to bake in my play oven, how to find the square root of a number, and why you should never, ever cry over boys. I was the mother when our own was too wrapped in her own sorrows; a teacher on days Annalise was too sick to go anywhere; and a sister the rest of the time. I lived in this role until I was offered a sort of freedom, but it came with a price. College changed me; it made me bitter and cynical. Now I was too smart, too educated for my sister who had dropped out of high school my sophomore year of college. 
Annalise had claimed there was nothing school could ever teach her that she needed to know--she had bigger plans. She wanted the kind of knowledge you cannot get from books or teachers. So she learned to live on practically nothing, working at a small organic grocery store and refused to take money offered to her by my parents. We, who were so close at the start of our lives, grew apart bit by tiny bit. I couldn’t bridge the gap that had grown between us, couldn’t reach for my little sister’s soft hand with the assurance that she would grasp my own, couldn’t brush the hair from her face or the tears from her eyes.  
II
Beep, beep, beep. That sound, that dreaded sound of the heart monitor punctuated the room. Annalise couldn’t remember how she ended up here in this white gown with an IV taped to her arm. Barely able to move her head, she looked at the already purple bruise created by someone’s unskilled hands. Other parts of Annalise’s body were bandaged and bruised to the point she could no longer recognize herself. All these facts, individually horrific, added up to just one thought, Rush Memorial Hospital. Annalise was apparently making a return trip, but not for the usual reasons. The bruises, the bandages, the massive amount of pain did not equate to her reoccurring kidney failure. Something else, something entirely new had gone wrong. One quick survey of the room told Annalise she was alone with her parents, no Sydney in sight. 
“Oh, George. George,” her mother’s shrill voice stabbed through the air “I think she’s awake.” 
Annalise wasn’t ready to deal with her mother yet, wasn’t ready for the hospital trip to turn into something about her mother. 
“Annalise. Annalise, baby, Mommy’s here.”
She tried to move her mouth, tried to tell her mother to go away, but it took too much effort. Instead, Annalise closed her eyes and concentrated on sleep. 
Sometime later in the night, well after visiting hours, Annalise remembered what had happened. She was on her way out of the city to visit a friend when another car crossed the median and crashed into her. Years ago, her parents had tried to convince her that driving was too dangerous. Only Sydney, despite a reserved attitude, understood the need for freedom. She was the one who secretly taught Annalise how to drive.   
Like so many other things in life, Sydney gave Annalise her wings. Their parents would blame Sydney for the car crash and she would suffer silently, all the while wishing for their affection. Sydney would make a martyr out of herself on the alter of her parents need for persecution of Annalise’s unknown illness. Annalise closed her eyes one final time, unwilling to let Sydney suffer anymore.
III
I had intended on eating a bowl of cold cereal, but thoughts of my little sister in the hospital brought a curdled taste to my mouth even before I had poured the milk. With growing urgency, I changed out of the robe I donned after the shower and grabbed my wallet and keys. The distance from Rush didn’t really merit getting my car from the parking tower, but the surrounding area did. I guess you really couldn’t win. Great apartment. Bad neighborhood. 
I felt the purr of the engine as I started my car; it gave me a sense of power in an otherwise uncontrollable world. Usually, I would drive slowly, purposely angering my fellow drivers, but tonight I was on the offensive. No one could drive or change lanes fast enough to make me happy. I pressed on the horn and the gas pedal simultaneously, worried I wouldn’t make it to the hospital in time.   
IV
The curtain and blinds of the window had been pulled aside to allow thin shafts of light into the room. Annalise watched as dust particles danced around, never quite landing, but frozen in time and space. That’s just how she felt at the moment--permanently suspended. 
To keep from dwelling on the nagging feeling of hopelessness, she traced her fingers across the pattern of the faded arm chair. Sun bleached green and red fleur-de-lis reminiscent of the French monarchy were prominent in the fabrics design. Perhaps the owner of the arm chair considered themselves a descendent of a royal blood line. 
Other people shuffle in around Annalise, briefly sitting, heads down, whispering quietly amongst themselves until they progressed into the adjoining room. No one approached her or asked why she was sitting in the arm chair. No one spoke her name or even looked at Annalise. She caught a familiar face out of the corner of her eye. Happy to see them she raised her hand in an inaudible hello, too afraid to break the silence; but they refused to look her way. Slightly hurt, Annalise reasoned they probably hadn’t noticed. 
Now that Annalise’s gaze had been broken from the window, she looked around the room. Everything was in varying shades of green, red, and gold--warm colors in an oddly cold environment. A piano stood in the corner opposite the front door and coat closet while a large wreath of flowers was positioned in the other. She began to notice a soft melody, but it wasn’t emanating from the piano. Rather, it drifted in from the other room and like a beacon or a siren it hooked her into its pull. With muscles stiff as if she hadn’t moved in years, Annalise pushed herself out of the chair and slowly walked forward. A sense of foreboding told Annalise she needed to remain inconspicuous, but upon entering the room obtrusiveness became the last of her worries. Annalise’s older sister, Sydney, stood at the head of the room tears sliding down her face as she silently moved her mouth. Sydney was in a desperate struggle to force words from her unwilling vocal cords, for next to her lay Annalise’s body. 
VI
I stood at head of the room, vision blurred by tears. My mouth worked to force out the words of my speech, but no sound was audible. I looked up at the many faces hoping someone would save me from my anguish. Surely they can all see I am not fit to deliver Annalise’s eulogy. 

My eyes rested on a figure standing in the doorway. Who would come to a funeral late? Hands tensing, I crumpled the paper between them and tried to focus on the figure until my vision steadied. There she stood, Annalise, looking gorgeous and completely heathy. She had on the delicately silver beaded cocktail dress she had worn to our parents’ thirtieth wedding anniversary only a few months ago. I remembered her laughing, vivacious with life yet vainly trying to conceal the dark spot in the crook of her arm and the circles under her eyes. These were the signs of an illness that traveled with her, but never consumed her.
In the short time since Annalise’s death, I had been to the doctor twice. Each time I returned home with a new drug for sleep, but nothing worked. I blamed myself everyday for teaching her to drive, for her death, and for not getting to the hospital in time. It wasn’t fair that Annalise died from a car crash and not her illness. In the past I had tried so much to help her, to protect her; but in the end, I had given up on her. I took Annalise for granted and now I was left with a bone deep ache. I missed the relationship I had willingly given up because I had lost sight of the importance of sisters. 
I looked from Annalise to the body shrouded in white silk laying next to me and back again. Nothing made sense, I really had gone crazy with hallucinations. She smiled at me and then did something only Annalise would--she stuck out her tongue. I laughed, the crowd must think I’m crazy now. Truthfully, I didn’t care what they thought; all that mattered was Annalise. She was here, even if only in spirit. She wasn’t angry with me for not getting to the hospital in time. Annalise, in her own non-conformative way, came to say good-bye. A smile crept to my face as I realized nothing would break my bond with Annalise. We would always be a part of each other. 

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Last Post?

On the first day of my creative writing class I found out that I would have to maintain a blog. This task may not seem daunting, but I have never been one to even keep a diary. In the past I would buy journals and diaries in hope that something would inspire me. I would write and write but only be left with pompous descriptions of boring events much like John Smith’s diaries. No one wants to read about what you eat, read, or do on a daily basis. Lets face it, these were not great literary feats. 
I briefly entertained the idea of keeping a product review blog because that was the only type I had ever read. My first review ended up a reflection on my childhood and memories in general. This is when I developed my blogs name, Salted-Away. I would devote my blog to memories and thoughts or feelings I wanted to remember. The words for my first two blogs flowed from my finger tips like water from a spout. It was as if someone were channeling my body to write--maybe this is what inspiration feels like. I am not the next Charles Dickens writing on social issues, but I truly had fun writing them. 
After these, followed a poem written when I should have been listening to a guest speaker in class. Certain words would pop into my head unannounced, demanding attention. My fingers itched to cement them on paper as my pen hastily scribbled in sloppy cursive. 
The same can be said for my recent post Juxtaposition. I started this blog in class which seems to be my muse; however, I eventually turned it into a short story about the relationship between sisters. This post will be my last for class which leaves me feeling a little empty. Over the last few months I had begun to look forward to writing each new entry for my blog. But what will I write about now? What will give me inspiration? 
The conclusion I have drawn is: what’s to stop me from writing and while I will miss the class it has given me tools. So, I will continue to write and class will continue to inspire me. 

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Juxtaposition

I should clarify that this is not a personal story, but a work of fiction. I wanted to write something from a different perspective and I came up with this story. I hope you enjoy!
-Jen

The curtain and blinds of the window had been pulled aside to allow thin shafts of light into the room. I watched as dust particles danced around, never quite landing, but suspended in time and space. That’s just how I felt at the moment--permanently halted. To keep myself from dwelling on this nagging feeling of hopelessness, I traced my fingers across the pattern of the faded arm chair. Green and pale red fleur-de-lis reminiscent of the French monarchy were prominent in the fabrics design. Perhaps the owner of the arm chair considers themselves a descendant of a royal blood line. Other people shuffle in around me, briefly sitting, heads down, whispering quietly amongst themselves until they progressed into the adjoining room. No one approached me or asked why I was sitting in the arm chair. No one spoke my name or even looked at me. I caught a familiar face out of the corner of my eye. Happy to see them I raised my hand in an inaudible hello, too afraid to break the silence; but they refused to look my way. Slightly hurt, I reasoned that they probably hadn’t noticed me. 
Now that my gaze had been broken away from the window, I looked around the room. Everything was in varying shades of green, red, and gold--warm colors in an oddly cold environment. A piano stood in the corner opposite the front door and coat closet while a large wreath of flowers was positioned in the other. I began to notice a soft melody, but it wasn’t emitting from the piano. Rather, it drifted in from the other room and like a beacon or a siren it hooked me into its pull. Muscles stiff as if I hadn’t moved in years, I pushed myself out of the chair and slowly walked forward. I tried to remain as inconspicuous as possible for I would be the last person into the room. Upon entering obtrusiveness became the last of my worries. My eldest sister stood at the head of the room tears sliding down her face as she silently moved her mouth. She was in a desperate struggle to force words from her unwilling vocal cords, for next to her lay my body in a coffin. 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Creative Writing

A few weeks ago we had a poetry reading in my creative writing class. A local poet read some of her personal poetry as well as a collection of her favorite poets. Although I do respect the poet, she did not use the style I am either accustom to or like. I generally pay attention when in class, but my pen had another intention. This is what it was: 
She stood at the podium 
Shifting, feet twitching.
The students gaze unnerving
In her hand a book.
Tattered and torn, worn
Beloved not forlorn.
A cough, she reads aloud 
T.S. Elliot, Magi--gave inspiration.
Her own poetry a duplication-
From teacher to student. 
Iambic pentameter not lent
She speaks of physics, science.
Illusions of birds 
Describe feelings in words.
They evoke sensibilities.
Religion her root 
An exploration, inspiration permute.
A course that lead to the future. 
New life allowed
The expansion from imitation.
This course a form of liberation. 
And now-
Now she stands before us.
An example-creation of poetry.

--Inspiration--

Thursday, September 16, 2010

White and Brown Polka Dot Dress

I recently had to move my bedroom from one room to another within my house. The first step to switching rooms was to move the easiest things first--my clothing. This process was rather drawn out only because I had a large abundance of clothing that needed to be sorted. Finally nearing the end of a closet I had previously thought of as relatively small, I noticed a dress I hadn’t worn since sometime last fall. This pretty, yet modest white and brown polka dotted dress, had garnered many compliments on what was probably the only and last day I would even wear it. 
It was still wrapped in its plastic cover from the dry cleaners. Feeling sorry for the neglected dress, I tore the plastic from the metal hanger. Immediately after the dress was uncovered a distinct and familiar smell erupted. It was the smell of my ex-boyfriend. The dress had sat at Chris’ house before we broke up, soaking in the smell of the other clothing smashed into his closet. 
I took one deep breath drawing in the former beaus smell and, feeling ashamed for doing so shoved the dress into my new closet. The smell of my ex does not bring back the last few days together or whatever reason we broke up, but comfort and memories of time spent at his house. 
This simple little dress had sent my olfactory memory into overdrive. I stood before my new closet a little lost and wide eyed wondering what I should do next.
I probably should have left the plastic on the dress.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Pink Banana Seated Huffy





A pink banana seated Huffy bike passed down from an older sister. Tag and keep away played on endless summer nights. Laying on the grass of Miss Kitty’s front lawn watching fireflies dance across the sky. When I imagine my childhood these are just a few of the memories I have stored in my internal filing cabinet. They’re locked away for days when work seems like it’ll never end or when all my aspirations seem hopeless. 
What I don’t, or try not to remember are stories, told by my parents, of the dangerous neighborhood where I lived as an adolescent. Gun fights and drug laced candy don’t fit into my rosy hued memories, nor do cops and gangs. I suppose I may have watch them play out or heard about them long ago, but those particular memories are not ones I necessarily want to remember. You wouldn’t find them in my not so orderly filing cabinet, but in the over flowing paper shredder shoved in the darker recess of my mind. 
Memories are a strange thing. There are three different kinds of memories: good, bad, and mediocre. The good ones are sometimes the slipperiest, sometimes they’ve been imprinted in your mind with every exact detail, and sometimes not. Most often, they are memories of memories, something you almost remember, but cannot quite grasp. For instance, I remember my Grandmother’s couch, a relic from the seventies, her carpet, and a doorstop in the shape of a dog. I was only two, but I will always be able to revisit that couch and that carpet - the doorstop I ended up inheriting. Who I won’t be able to visit is my Grandmother, nor will I be able to recall a particular conversation we had. 
In the bad memories, you remember every word you said, wanted to say, or should have said. You also remember what was said to you. You remember the place, the smell, and most importantly how you felt. Grudges form over this type of memory-that’s why all mine find a home in the paper shredder. It’s not just what’s done to you that’s remembered, but what you’ve done to other people. Way back in the not so superlative neighborhood, I remember a man named Kurt  who lived with his dog and a couple of marijuana plants. He was a genuine person who habitually liked to be left alone. Not exactly the type of person deserving of childish ridicule, but ridicule him I did. The worst part of this transgression, the part I cannot shred enough, is that I had the audacity to do it in front of him. I wish I could unsay what I said. I wish I could change the fallen look on his face, but I can’t. Sometimes, bad memories just won’t fade.
The last memory is the mediocre. They are the most prevalent and tend to take up most of the folders from A right down to Z. You wish you could forget most of these too. What you wore on this day, what you said on that day, the not so delightful C you got on an exam, but at least it’s not an F. They take up too much room and don’t offer anything desirable in return. Maybe if I were able to recycle some of these mediocre memories I could retain more of the really good ones. 
Even though some you would rather forget and some you would love to remember (and then some you just don’t care about), all your memories are important. Without each of them you would not be you. That’s why the shredded memories never make it to the curb on trash day.